Yuki-Almasy

It's been ten years since I am on DeviantArt. I loaded a ton of art up, 759 pieces of different things: fan art, original art, photos and half done comics. I meet some super nice people, a lot of them left, some of them stayed. For the first time I bought a Core Membership a month ago, after some wonderful person bought one for me. And since then, I made some polls and frequently asked about Drawlloween. I thought it will go on like this forever. But since the end of last year, I am feeling that art isn't something I want to do right now. First it was just huge demotivation until it's now impossible to do any art at all; I just don't want to, also because I don't even know what I want to draw anymore. Well, it's a shock for me too. It's like someone pushed a button. It was my dream, my passion, nearly all I lived for. I've pushed myself through all the art blocks I had and tried since ten years to get a foot in the door and two years ago I made a Tumblr account too. I am really thankful for all the people who came and looked on my art, liked it and encouraged me. But look at me, where I am now 10 years later? Actually nowhere. I fucked it up, messed myself up, messed my art up and everything else too. Oh yes, I hear those guys telling me, that popularity isn't important, that you do art because you love art, well that's great. But I want to have an art career, like Loish or Sakimi-Chan maybe, and not just doing stuff, to do the stuff itself. I wanted to sell stuff, I want to be able to finally buy Birthday/Christmas gifts and make a living with art. But I got worn out, broke myself, while trying to please everyone and lost myself in between. My wrists are damaged, my eyes also and I don't have any glimmer of fun doing art right now. I always thought giving my very best and working hard will do the thing but that was utterly wrong. The art industry changed a lot since I began drawing and 15 years ago I would had a chance but now? I don't think so. 95 pics a year, 8 in a month, 2 in a week, every 3 days and that approximately 8 full years long. Well, I can say that I really tried. But looking on the statistics and all the stuff I loaded up, the bitter truth is, that so little people care about my art that it was pure waste of time and energy. I've failed very hard and I don't even know if I will do art in the future again. By the feeling I have now and had over the past months, I really can't tell. Yes I worked hard on everything, but I wasn't consequent enough, it was all too diffuse. I drew a lot but worked on the wrong ends. What can I say to my parents and friends and at all? I have nothing to show; and wasted ten years of my life doing all the wrong things. I know, I have a lot of weaknesses with learning and all but I tried to push through, instead of working with them. I thought, that if I am an artist that loves art will do something, but the truth is, it's an industry and I did way too less. I was a dumb kid that still believed in the 'Heart of the Cards'(Yu-gi-oh) and that the universe will lead me. I don't want to sound over dramatic but I feel shattered. DeviantArt was ten years, a whole decade, a huge part of my life. I checked on it every day and I always believed that I can do it but now that I see, that all was for some sweet nothings and trivialities, I just can't cope with it anymore. It seems that it's time for me to accept that this will lead nowhere and simply let go. I need to recover and find to myself again. I hope that one day, I feel able to make a fresh start and will be reborn from my own ashes and becoming something new. I have to see what future will bring and I let you all know about future decisions. But for now there's nothing left for me as to say good bye and good luck. May all your dreams come true and that you'll always feel inspired on all the paths you'll walk on. Enjoy your life and stay safe y'all. ❤

I worked my butt off to draw animeresque semi-realism. It's what I always wanted to do and to archive that, was my main goal. But back then and now, I am not satisfied with drawing it. It's like a blockage, I have to force myself to draw like this and it's no fun at all. I read from several artists, that you always should do the harder thing, that's what brings you to a higher level of what you can be, or think you can be. And I agree to some point but also, I am not sure that that's the best way. Everyone is different and not every approach works for every person. Sure, you should always challenge yourself and keep learning but if it leads to stress and frustration, it will not be profitable for your health and art. Of course,you can fight through it but what if you are not strong enough to always push yourself to your limits, like me? Will I stagnate, if I stop drawing in half-realistic ways? Will I walk backwards, if I draw more what brings me fun instead of constantly pushing myself? Ultimately, I don't know.  

There was a man once, his name was John William Godward. He wanted to become an artist at any costs, so he moved to Italy and even as his family repudiate him because of it, he strived to become as perfect as he could be. He was a master in drawing skin, marble and any sorts of fabric and also in drawing realistic in general. But he committed suicide at age 61 with the words written: 'the world is not big enough for myself and a Picasso'. So what can we take away from this tragic story...? Well, Picasso said 'It took me four years to paint like Raphael, but a lifetime to paint like a child.' Maybe, that it's not the ultimate goal to draw and paint as realistic as possible. If it's your goal, go for it but it's not 'THE' goal. What 'THE' goal is, is up to you. But what is my goal...?

Deep inside me, even when it's a fact, it's hard for me to really feel the fact that every drawing style is equal. When I really can go with the flow and have fun, my drawing looks extremely different to what it looks like, when I put all energy into it. But if I put a lot of energy in it, it becomes an absolute chore drawing that pic. And for every hour I work on it, frustration rises, until I just hate to work on it. And now I stare on the blank canvas and switch from what I 'should' do, to what I 'want' to do. I want to have fun but I also don't want to... I don't know, leave the ability to draw beautiful bodies and alike. There pics I drew recently, I am absolutely not satisfied with, but I couldn't bring it to a better outcome because it was a real fight. My mind rebelled like I would do something painful while drawing and therefore, I drew pics that are way bellow my best. But I have the feeling, when I go away from drawing more realistic, that it's worth less and will not be seen as 'valid' art; even though I see all art as equal, it's like I just couldn't accept myself. And also, I am more into 'realistic' stuff, like the TV series 'Hannibal' and 'Sherlock (Holmes)' etc. how should I address this kind of things with a less realistic style? How can I draw them beautiful/sexy/admirable? I don't know what 'feels right' to me, or how to archive it.

Due to my abusive past, I crave for love and attention, especially for my art. Art was what could make me happy and I had/have passion for. Some people do not care about attention or popularity at all and I work hard on myself, to make it a lesser role in my life but it's nevertheless a huge part of an art career and a need for people to go forward, pulled from the love and admiration of others. The fact is, that people are not as healthy or balanced as they should be and struggling, fighting with the thought of giving up; but if you log in and there is someone who says, that your work is great and it was worth it, or gotten some likes etc... that gives the power to keep going. So of course I want to please my audience... but overall I am just confused what people like and what I should draw, or even want to draw.

It's a constant progress of drawing and deleting; keeping things for later and never touch it again. Do I want to pursue art as an career? Yes. But how should I ever archive that or anything at all, when I am just a bundle of insecureness. I gone so much forth and back, left and right that I am a gordian knot, unable to undo or even loosen it. It's unbelievable hard for me to get anything done and my mental health is a huge reason why. I do love art so much but I am always so torn. It's five years now, that I feel like this and every month that passes feels like I wasted opportunities. Time runs and I'm helpless with all my thoughts and overall. My inner blockage and confusion is constantly hinder me to go forth. Well, I am an realist and I know that it will be better at some point in the future... but you have to make step by step, to get there even if you feel utterly powerless. I really want it to be better and I draw and will eventually overcome it. But right now and the past five years were really hard.  

I had to write all this down, I just had to. And now, I'll putting this in the aether of the internet, to set it free and keep trying to go forth. But whoever read this, thank you; it means a lot that you took the time to read about the confused thoughts of an artist. Hopefully you will have a wonderful day or night.❤